


Five Liquid Samples

by Polina_K_Viardo



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Garak's POV, Getting Together, Humor, canon compliant up to a point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 08:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8156224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polina_K_Viardo/pseuds/Polina_K_Viardo
Summary: Senior staff, Leeta, and Garak are on a mission: they need to unobtrusively check whether Doctor Bashir has again been replaced by a Founder. Unfortunately, they are running out of fluids to test...
[18+: This is content restricted to audiences of 18 years or over.]





	

**Author's Note:**

> Rating M is only for having adult themes - there is no explicit content in the story. 
> 
> [18+: This is content restricted to audiences of 18 years or over. Do not read unless you are over 18.]

Garak came to himself with a jolt and instantly felt the restraints that bound him to a chair.  
  
"You tied me up?" he asked, unable to keep disbelief out of his voice.  
  
The doctor -- or a Founder -- watched him from behind the table. "I know it won't hold you for long, but I recommend you to stay put." He tossed the phaser on the table. "You know that I only miss when I plan to."  
  
Garak squinted his eyes to study the man: his tense jaw, rigid posture, and narrowed eyes all indicated one thing -- that he would indeed not miss. Pity.  
  
"Usually the rough play requires negotiation beforehand," Garak said with a pleasant smile. The doctor coloured but didn't sway.  
  
"Get you mind out of the gutter, Garak. I know what you've been up to. You and everyone else involved in this conspiracy." He walked around the table to loom over Garak. "These bizarre incidents and even more bizarre advances. Everyone's sudden interest in my private affairs. Staff meetings I wasn't told about. You and Miles becoming pals, of all things! Do I need to go on?"  
  
Garak widened his eyes in sympathetic 'you don't say!' expression before he could stop himself. The doctor scowled.  
  
"I've no choice but to assume that you all have traded in your integrity to spy on the augmented freak for the Starfleet Intelligence!"  
  
"I assure you…"  
  
"No, Mr. Garak! I'm done listening to your platitudes and playing games! I want the truth and I want it now." The doctor crossed his hands and turned away. It was an understandable emotional reaction but did nothing for his interrogation technique. Poor dear.  
  
Or an insightful Founder.  
  
Garak heaved a sigh. This wasn't how he had imagined the evening to end. How had he even gotten himself into this mess?  
  
It all had begun with that senior staff meeting…

  
  
~ Five days earlier ~

  
  
Captain Sisko looked around the table. "I think we all know why we've gathered here today." Garak personally was at a loss. "Our dear friend and colleague Doctor Bashir has been acting out of character." Really? To Garak's dismay, everybody was nodding, even Worf. "Chief, report."  
  
The chief stood up, his expression grim. "It's true. At first, I thought he was brooding over the recent events -- being outed as an Augment is no picnic. But it seems to be more than that. These days he's always lost in thought, mutters to himself, and jumps in alarm if you catch him at it. He's lost his interest in the holo-novels and dropped his racquetball practice." The chief shook his head. "I worry about him."  
  
"Shouldn't we refer him to a counselor then?" Kira asked.  
  
"We would, if he were going through something. But there is another possibility we must consider." Sisko took a sinister pause. "The doctor could have been replaced by a Founder."  
  
"Again?" Odo asked. "Wouldn't that be… redundant?"  
  
"That's exactly what the Dominion expects us to think," Sisko said. "But we won't fall for that trap."  
  
Odo didn't look convinced.  
  
"Then the doctor presents a great security risk," Worf said.  
  
"Yes," Garak said when no one else volunteered to state the obvious, "if we suspect him, we should immediately take a blood sample and be done with it."  
  
Sisko shook his head. "What if the Founder has put some plan into motion? Then we must act now, before they discover that their position is compromised. Odo can't risk linking with them and no other means of interrogating them exist."  
  
Garak coughed. Odo gave him a side-eye. "Yes, that technology was lost in the Gamma Quadrant," Odo said dryly. "Unfortunately."  
  
"More importantly, if Julian is himself, our suspicions will only send him into a downward spiral. We need to thread carefully," Jadzia said.  
  
Worf seemed to be on the verge of saying something, but, apparently, received a well-aimed kick under the table.  
  
Garak had no one to kick him. "With all due respect to the doctor, this is ridiculous reason to compromise security of the entire Station."  
  
"We are not here to discuss this decision." Had it been already decided? When? "We are here to figure out how to inconspicuously and safely get a liquid sample out of Doctor Bashir or a Founder impersonating him. Any ideas?"  
  
If Garak knew one thing it was where to pick his battles. "Let's start with the blood," he suggested.  
  
***  
  
The chief jumped in front of the doctor just outside the Replimat's entrance. "Beware, Julian! He's gone feral again!"  
  
Garak grabbed the doctor from behind and put a table knife to his throat. "Don't come any closer or I'll kill him!" Garak hissed, which was not a mean feat, considering his words had no sibilant sounds.  
  
"I have an antidote!" Jadzia cried out, brandishing a hypospray. "Just distract him for a moment!"  
  
Garak turned from the chief to Jadzia and back, affecting wild-eyed look, and backed away, dragging the doctor with him. The chief was to lunge and spook feral-Garak any minute now. The unfortunate result would be a bloodied knife and slightly injured doctor, the latter of which depended on Garak's skills with cold weapons.  
  
The chief tensed, ready to act, but suddenly the doctor refused to budge. The next moment Garak's field of vision rapidly switched as he hit the ground, the knife clattering to the floor from his hand.  
  
Garak blinked at the ceiling. When was the last time someone knocked this much air out of him? Ah, yes, that fight with Worf last year…  
  
Jadzia's hypospray hissed against his neck. "He's clear!"  
  
"No, Julian, let me." The chief helped Garak to his feet. "I've handled him the last time -- I know what he needs. Some peace and quiet ought to do it." He put Garak's arm around his shoulders.  
  
Wariness on Doctor's face gave way to affront. "Excuse me," he said in a tone that brook no argument, "Garak is in need of medical attention. We are going to the Infirmary."  
  
Medical attention was the only kind of the doctor's regard Garak didn't like but he wasn't going to say that. "Out… of the question," he managed to wheez. "Chief, my quarters…"  
  
"Right, just hang in there, mate!" the chief said with a wooden expression. Jadzia winced.  
  
Doctor stared, speechless, giving them an ample time to hobble away.  
  
But Garak could feel the doctor's eyes burning holes in their backs the entire time.  
  
***  
  
"His fighting skills have no business being this good," Chief said, sullen.  
  
"He may be a Founder or he's just stopped hiding the full extent of his abilities. Either is plausible," Odo said. "We are back to square one."  
  
Jadzia turned to Garak. "He didn't hesitate at all before attacking you. That must be unlike him."  
  
Garak shrugged. "He's shot at me once. Moreover, when he came to check up on me yesterday, he was his old fussing self, if subdued." He'd also sighed a lot and kept throwing at Garak furtive glances. What that had been about? Garak hadn't known but he had guilted the doctor into promising to finish _The Never Ending Sacrifice: A New Spin_ nonetheless. No need to waste a good opportunity.  
  
"What's our next plan?" Sisko asked.  
  
"I have an idea." Jadzia put her hand on Worf's arm. "Saliva." Worf growled. "But I need a portable analyzer for that."  
  
The chief shifted on his chair. "I'd say I can outfit you with one, but it is Julian who supplies me with genetic-matrices."  
  
"I'll get in touch with Bajoran medical centre," Kira said. "They'll give us one."  
  
"I'll try to talk with Julian again," Leeta added. "Quark owes me a favor."  
  
"There is a thing I could try too," the chief added, for some reason darkly. "I'll report if there is a progress."  
  
Sisko looked around the table. "Get to work, people!"  
  
***  
  
Garak watched from his place at the table as Jadzia flung herself at the unsuspecting doctor.  
  
She intercepted him on his way back from the lunch with Garak -- a carefully arranged lunch, in fact, as Garak was to be her back-up.  
  
During the lunch, the doctor had again been subdued and thoughtful, more so than the discussion of _The Never Ending Sacrifice: A New Spin_ allowed for. Garak had even tried to talk about racquetball to cheer him up but in vain.  
  
Jadzia's bright smile seemed to be failing too -- the doctor reeled from her and would have taken several steps back, had she not grabbed his arm. She promptly began to sell her cover story about being so grateful for the laboratory check the doctor did for her she could kiss him.  
  
Garak waited for the display of Dax's dexterity with some anticipation -- he would never be able to hide the analyzer in his mouth all through collection of the sample and beyond; he was already impressed by the wide range of her facial expressions.  
  
The doctor laughed at Jadzia's explanations but persisted in trying to get away. Unlike Garak, for whom neither brash nor coy approach ever worked when it came to the doctor, Jadzia knew exactly what his weak spots for her were. Her pout stopped the doctor's attempts in an instant and then she gave him a triangular gaze.  
  
Well, that was just not fair.  
  
But very effective.  
  
They leaned towards each other, and Garak held his breath… But at that moment the doctor's eyes stole away in Garak's direction and he froze on the spot.  
  
Jadzia did not expect that. She lost her balance.  
  
She started coughing.  
  
Garak did not cover his face with his hands, because after this failure he wanted to preserve at least some of his dignity. So he had to watch the spectacle of Jadzia clearly choking on the analyzer and concerned Doctor trying to help her, from beginning to the bitter end.  
  
***  
  
"And then I finally spat it out. It flew quite a distance, where, thankfully, Garak stepped on it," Jadzia concluded. Worf glowered but didn't growl.  
  
"What about you, Chief?" Sisko asked.  
  
The chief cleared his throat. "My idea was to get some… some pee," he said, colouring. "It didn't go well. Don't ask. I think Julian either suspects something now or worse." His eyebrows rose as he gave them a significant look.  
  
"Didn't go well how?" Jadzia asked. Of course, she did. Now the chief was glowering at her too.  
  
"Pee plan is a fiasco," he said, daring somebody to argue.  
  
"What’s left?" Sisko asked.  
  
"I talked with him yesterday," Leeta said, "but I couldn’t get through. Not even after he had drunk half the bottle of Quark's Vennurian brandy."  
  
"Me neither," Kira said.  
  
Sisko looked around the glum faces of his staff and stations residents. "Then we have to use our last resort."  
  
"I can’t," Jadzia said quickly. "Me and Worf are currently exclusive." Worf grunted in acquiescence.  
  
"I can," Leeta said.  
  
"You don’t have the training to react if something goes wrong," Kira said.  
  
Jadzia smiled. "Just go together."  
  
Kira rolled her eyes. "Keep me out of it."  
  
"Jadzia is right," Garak said, "there is no need to think only inside of the box."  
  
"Stop looking at me like that!" Chief said defensively. "I'm a married man!"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Chief huffed and crossed his hands.  
  
Odo looked thoughtful for a moment but then he shook his head.  
  
It was simply intolerable. What an amateurish display!  
  
"You can stop sighing so loudly, Garak," Kira said.  
  
"Oh, do you want me to express my disappointment in you and your values more explicitly?"  
  
"That's not fair, Garak," Jadzia said.  
  
"No, Mr. Garak is right," Sisko said unexpectedly. "Getting this liquid sample is just another job and we need to find someone who can do it. Someone who is comfortable with it, who can seduce the doctor, not give themselves away, and react should a Founder decide to attack." He looked around the table again. "I think we've got only one person here who is capable of all that."  
  
He turned to Garak. Everybody followed suite.  
  
Garak lent back on his chair. "I see. Obviously, my magnetic charisma and amiable manner blinded you to the fact that I’m neither young nor female."  
  
Kira groaned. Worf looked like he agreed.  
  
"Garak, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself," Leeta said earnestly. Even Sisko cringed at that.  
  
The chief shifted on his chair. "Actually, I think you may have a chance."  
  
"Now that this is cleared," Sisko said, and did he make all command decisions so fast? "I think I don’t need to remind you that you should operate strictly under Federation standard of consent?"  
  
That was plain insulting but also clearly not a question so Garak just shook his head.  
  
Where had it all gone wrong?  
  
***  
  
Garak looked at the door to the doctor’s quarters with some apprehension.  
  
He spent an hour choosing his dress and decided on a slick black tunic that exposed his neck ridges. The doctor would not pick up on the significance behind the choice -- he was oblivious like that -- but Garak never went for half-measures.  
  
It was ridiculous, his hesitation. A lesser person than Garak might let emotions get in the way of his task, but not him. No.  
  
He looked at the door.  
  
Sighing one more time and plastering a smile on his face, Garak pressed the buzzer.    
  
The door opened almost immediately. Garak instincts kicked in and he reeled even before he fully processed the doctor’s angry expression or a tense line of his shoulders. But it was too late -- a hypospray hissed against Garak's neck dosing him with who knew what.  
  
He blacked out.

  
  
~ Now ~

  
  
Garak heaved a sigh. How had he allowed himself to become a part of such an inept conspiracy? What a disgrace. He felt a strong tug to confess everything just so that he could blame it all on his co-conspirators. But withstanding ego-attacks was the first thing they taught you in the Order.  
  
"You are absolutely right, I’m afraid," Garak said instead, shaking his head ruefully. It was too early for a pleading expression, perhaps, but one could never be too overt with the doctor. "You haven’t imagined it, we have been acting strangely these past few days."  
  
"That’s putting it mildly!" the doctor said. He wasn’t very good at 'listening' part of interrogation. "I can’t believe all of my friends have conspired against me!"  
  
Garak’s heart gave an embarrassing flutter. "You consider me a friend?"  
  
"Well." The doctor turned away, discomfited. "I did until"--he gestured to encompass the recent events.  
  
Garak shifted on his chair, uncomfortable. "Actually, I’m more to blame for all of this than your other friends. You see," Garak averted his eyes, "I haven’t been coping well with my role in your abduction."  
  
"Your role?"  
  
"Chief O'Brien could be forgiven for not catching the impostor, but not me. I should have seen it."  
  
"Garak," the doctor said, stricken.  
  
"And then we learnt you had to hide yourself from us. Jadzia, the chief, and me -- we were all brought together by our guilt; we realised that we didn’t know you all that well and that we were letting you down. We decided to put more effort in our friendship with you."  
  
The doctor listened, engrossed.  
  
"As you could have guessed our discussions took place under strong influence of alcohol. After one particularly long evening we decided to test you unobtrusively to learn your genuine reactions to stress situations. So that should a Founder exchange you again, we would know immediately."  
  
The doctor groaned. "Must have been a really long evening."  
  
"Well." Garak shrugged with a dejected airs, funneling his real shame at all those failures. "It was not the most brilliant idea ever conceived, but our hearts were in the right place."  
  
"To the left of your stomach, you mean, if my scanners are to be believed." The doctor was almost smiling now.  
  
Time to up the ante.  
  
"I can’t help but point out," Garak said in a lightly admonishing tone, "that while this setting may seem like a harmless play to you, it brings many an upsetting memory to me." The doctor's smile faded as he caught Garak's meaning. "And it’s rather"--Garak’s voice caught--"constricting."  
  
He took an indrawn breath and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. The doctor gasped and rushed to Garak's side to untie him.  
  
Garak stood up and swayed on his feet. "Water, please," he said quietly, covering his eyes with his hand.  
  
"God! Yes, of course!" The doctor run to the replicator.  
  
Garak walked up to the table, unimpeded, and took the phaser. He set it to kill.  
  
The doctor froze with a glass in his hand.  
  
Garak pointed the phaser at him. "Please,"--Garak gestured at the chair--"do sit down."  
  
The doctor sunk in the chair, watching Garak apprehensively.  
  
"To tell you the truth," Garak said, "I lied. There was a conspiracy." A hurt expression crossed the doctor’s face and disappeared. He was falling back on his professionalism. "Coincidentally, I will never again form a conspiracy with you Federation types. And if I do I will not share with you any of my plans. To think, how much time we’ve wasted on nothing but a sentiment!" Garak shook his head.  
  
"To break it to you, Doctor, we were trying to get a liquid sample out of you."  
  
"What?" The doctor stared at Garak, bewildered, until it hit him. "You thought I was a Founder! That’s what you’ve been doing all this time! First the blood, then the saliva, then the urine!" He briefly looked relieved for some reason. "And then…" His eyes focused on Garak and he flushed.  
  
"Anyway," Garak lifted the phaser to show that the trial was not over. "The reason we failed was because your friends, that is, other friends than me, wanted to spare your feelings. They noticed you’d been acting out of character but didn’t want to upset you." Garak's voice hardened. "They just don’t understand that covert operations with so much at stake allow for no mercy. None."  
  
The doctor tensed.  
  
"I’ll show you how it’s done. How it should have been done from the beginning." Garak gathered himself. He didn’t want to go there but he too had his sense of professionalism. And he would stand by it no matter the cost.  
  
"Tell me what happened at that prison camp."  
  
The doctor’s eyes widened, his expression crest-fallen.  
  
And then he did.  
  
Garak fought a flood of unwanted emotions, and when he reigned them in, he lowered the phaser.  
  
"Not a Founder, then?"  
  
"No."  
  
The doctor stood up and walked up to him.  
  
Garak busied himself with changing phaser’s settings. "I’m sorry you are going through something distressing."  
  
"What?" The doctor again sounded bewildered.  
  
"Isn’t that the reason for your recent behaviour?"  
  
"What? Why? I'm not going through… anything…" The doctor trailed off and stared at Garak. Someone had just slipped and knew it.  
  
"Why then?"  
  
The doctor's eyes darted away. "I’ve just been thinking about something, that’s all."  
  
"We’ve noticed." Well, Garak didn't but it hardly counted.  
  
"Is it a crime?" The doctor asked defensively but then all the fight left him. He gave Garak another one of those soulful looks, and then straightened up, resolve in his eyes. "I suppose you've already given your answer so I may as well confess." He took an indrawn breath. "When my secrets finally came to the light I realised that now could be a good time. A time for us… to start a romantic relationship."  
  
"What?"  
  
The doctor shifted uncomfortably, then huffed, fueled by embarrassment. "Yes, I did. Is it so wrong? It wasn't an easy thing to consider, not to mention…"  
  
"I gave my answer?"  
  
The doctor gestured at the door. "After my abduction I've become more wary and installed video-surveillance. It activates every time someone approaches my quarters. That's why I've seen you standing in front of my door for five minutes, looking wretched and wearing your most revealing outfit."  
  
"It's not my most revealing outfit."  
  
"And may I add," the doctor said seriously, "that you should never consent to sexual encounters that upset you so much."  
  
"I wasn't upset!"  
  
"It's alright, Garak. I understand," the doctor said, dejected but earnest.  
  
It was time to deal with this.  
  
"You know, my dear, you act out of character again." Garak shook his head. "I'm not convinced you are not a Founder. We should do something about that." He gave Julian a significant look.  
  
Julian flushed. "Garak! You don't need to…"  
  
"Oh, I didn't mean that," Garak stepped closer. "I meant another fluid."  
  
That made Julian pause with his protests. "Which fluid?" He asked, befuddled.  
  
"Sweat." Garak smiled. "Aren't humans sweat when extremely scared, excited, or aroused?"  
  
Julian laughed nervously. "Come on, Garak, for that much sweat one will have to be very excited and for a very… long… time..." Julian trailed off, his face going slack.  
  
"Luckily we have all those restraints lying around, eh?" Garak said conspiratorially.  
  
He rubbed some sweat from Julian's temple. "See? You've started already."  
  
For a moment Julian looked shocked but then his face broke into a grin. "You are winding me up," he said admonishingly. "And doesn't rough play require a negotiation beforehand?"  
  
"That would certainly make a more interesting lunch topic than the racquetball ratings."  
  
"You were the one who brought them up!" Somehow, they were standing so close Garak could count Julian's ridiculously long lashes. "It's not suitable topic for lunch. I would rather we'd discuss it over dinner."  
  
Garak smiled. "It's a date."

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back to crack!


End file.
